Anyhow, I wanted to put the list online so my friends could get first dibs. I know good ol’ Sewart from the Great White North loves his Saturn so he gets to ruffle through those first. If there’s anything left, all I’m really asking for is postage paid. If you want to offer me something, I won’t say no.

First come, first serve. And it’ll only be in my house as long as I can stand looking at it.

The stuff the charity won’t take:
Some of this stuff is too obscure for the charity to even take. Here’s that stuff:

Saturn (Game Only, no case or instructions)
Albert Odyssey: Legend of Eldean
Astal
Baku Baku
Bust-A-Move 2: Arcade Edition
Darius Gaiden
Dragon Force
Guardian Heroes
Enemy Zero
Megaman X4
Panzer Dragoon Saga
Shanghai Triple Threat
Sonic Jam
Sonic R
Steep Slope Sliders
Super Puzzle Fighter 2 Turbo

Dreamcast (Game & Instructions)
Jet Grind Radio
Phantasy Star Online
Power Stone
Samba de Amigo (Japanese Disc)
Space Channel 5
Speed Devils
Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater
Typing of the Dead

Neo Geo Pocket Color (Game Only)
System (no AC adapter)
Crush Roller
PuyoPop
King of Fighters R 2
Card Fighters Clah: SNK Vs Capcom (x2)
Bust-A-Move Pocket
Sonic The Hedgehog: Pocket Adventure (x2)
NeoGeo Cup 98 Plus
Pac-Man
Puzzle Link
Samurai Shodown! 2
Mystery Game! (It has a dot on it saying NEO 21)

All the other stuff:

Game Cube (Game Only, no case or instructions)
Legend of Zelda Double Disc (Ocarina of Time/Master Quest)
Legend of Zelda Wind Waker
Resident Evil 4
Super Mario Sunshine
Super Monkey Ball
Super Monkey Ball 2
Super Smash Bros. Melee

Playstation
Alien Trilogy
Battle Arena Toshinden
Battle Arena Toshinden 2
Brain Dead 13
Bushido Blade
Castlevania Chronicles
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
Colony Wars
DDR Konamix
Darkstalkers
Discworld
Discworld 2
Doom
Felony 11-79
Final Fantasy Tactics
Herc’s Adventures
Disney’s Hercules
Invasion from Beyond
Jumping Flash
Metal Gear Solid
Monster Rancher
Oddworld Abe’s Oddysee
ONE
Parappa The Rapper
Parasite Eve
Persona
Philosoma
Point Blank
Rage Racer
Raystorm
ReBoot
Resident Evil 2
Silent Hill
SpiceWorld
Street Fighter Alpha
Tekken 3
Tomb Raider
Viewpoint
Wipeout
DDR

PlayStation (Japanese Import)
DDR 4th Mix
DDR 2nd Remix Append Club Version Vol. 1
DDR 2nd ReMix
DDR
Beatmania Append Gottamix
Beatmania Append 3rd Mix
Beatmania

PS2
Amplitude
Frequency
Gitaroo Man
Guitar Hero
Guitar Hero 2
Katamari Damacy
Rez
Space Channel 5: Special Edition

XBOX
Burnout 3: Takedown
Halo
Halo 2
Jet Set Radio Future

Gameboy
Kirby’s Dreamland 2
Metroid 2
Final Fantasy Legend 2
Revenge of the Gator
Game & Watch Gallery
Final Fantasy Legend
Mario’s Picross
Heiankyo Alien
Super Mario Land
Tetris
Castlevania Adventure
Alleyway
Pokemon Blue
Final Fantasy Adventure

GBA
Sonic Advance
Mario Kart Super Circuit
Pac-Man Collection
Zelda Minish Cap
NES Series: Donkey Kong
Castlevania: Circle of the Moon
Super Mario Advance
Wario Ware, Inc
Metroid Zero Mission
Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga
Super Mario World
Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow
Mario Vs. Donkey Kong
Legend of Zelda: A Link To The Past – Four Swords
Final Fantasy Tactics Advance
NES Series: Ice Climber

Accessories
5 PS1/PS2 controllers (at least one dualshock)
2 Gamecube Controllers
Namco Game Gun
2 PS2 Guitar Hero controllers

Sweet Potato Pumpkin Cheesecake w/ Ginger Snap Crust

Pretzel Bread

Peanut Butter Crunch Bars

Actually, it’s two lists, because horror movies have different categories for me, and I separated them to make it easier.

First a couple good old-fashioned Halloween movies that everyone should see on Halloween night: Creepshow & Trick ‘R Treat

Both films are anthology pieces. Creepshow dates back several years (decades?) now, but is still a fun time, more so now with the cheesy special F/X. 

Trick ‘R Treat finally made it to DVD last year after some studio tumult but if you haven’t seen it, go rent it now.  It’s a modern classic.  Plus it teaches you not to disregard the spirit of Halloween.

Mike’s favorite horror movies. 

1. Jaws
Considered to be the first popcorn flick in movie-dom, Jaws kept people off the beaches for weeks upon release.  The fact that the robotic shark “Bruce” didn’t work forced Spielberg to take a more suspenseful/horrific route than he originally intended.

And without a doubt this film, no matter how late it shows up on cable, will keep me up until it’s over. 

2. The Birds
Many consider Psycho to be Hitchcock’s best horror movie, but I’ve always considered it a bit too slow for my tastes.  But with The Birds I never have that problem. Maybe it’s because it has a small dose of camp. But whatever the case you can’t tell me watching Ms. Hedron standing in front of the monkey bars lighting a cigarette doesn’t turn into one of the scariest scenes in classic cinema. 

3. Shaun of the Dead
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear everyone complaining that’s this is a horror comedy. But as horror fans, Edgar Wright (who made an awesome adaptation of Scott Pilgrim this summer) and Simon Pegg created a movie that both pokes fun at horror movie clichés while showing how much they care about them.  And seriously? Bashing a zombie to the beats of Queen? Priceless. 

4. American Werewolf in London
It’s definitely another horror comedy, but with this the scales balance more towards horror.  The story of some friends backpacking in Europe turns into some real and darkly comic situations.  Plus Rick Baker’s work on creating the transformation from human to wolf have yet to be beaten by today’s CGI. 

5. Alien/Aliens
Sure Aliens is more an action flick, but these two movies are some of the greatest sci-fi horror films a person can see.  The first movie gives you the quiet claustrophobia of being hunted by the unknown.  The second film gives you the terror of finally facing your enemy and knowing they are much better at fighting than you.

And if anyone complains too much about Aliens being on this list, just watch the scene where Newt and Ripley are trapped in the medical bay with a face hugger. I’ve seen the movie dozens of times and it STILL scares me. 

6.  The Mist
The Mist is one of the few Stephen King adaptations done right in Hollywood.  It’s also one of the most depressing and relentless horror films I’ve ever seen.  I left the theater depressed for hours afterwards.  There is no hope in this film.  There is only lonely, bleak despair.  It also comes with a non-stop assault of some of the most terrifying monster bug scenes in recent memory. If you can catch the B&W version the director did for the DVD, it looks like a nightmare version of an old 50’s horror film. 

7. Dawn of the Dead (2003)
I will forever claim that the opening segment, including the titles, is one of the best movie openings in history.  It hits every note right.  The use of Johnny Cash over the credits must have brought him hundreds of new fans.  Many people feel the original Romero version should never have been remade, but I think this movie makes the story its own, providing both laughs and scares that it earns itself. Also, zombie baby. 

8. The Thing
Speaking of special F/X done right (see number 4), The Thing has hands down, some of the scariest practical effects done in a movie. None of it is computer created, making the terror these people stuck in the base are dealing with all the more real. They STILL hold up today as some of the best in the business. This film is downright scary and starts scaring you at frame one. There’s no back-story other than you know something isn’t right with that dog. 

9.  Poltergeist
This movie terrified me as a child.  I’m still not sure how I saw it so young. It goes to show how much has changed when movies like this and Jaws are rated PG.  It also has one of my favorite lines in a movie “You moved the headstones but you didn’t move the bodies!” If you like movies like Paranormal Activity, see where their ideas come from by watching this. 

10.  The Exorcist
Things happen in this movie, especially the remastered version, which will stick with you.  They took the R rating and ran with it.  If you’re as into religious horror as I am, and you haven’t seen this, your either too young or have been hiding in a cave for 30 years.  Seeing this film rereleased in theaters gave me the great thrill of seeing a crowd of teens, used to films like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer, go from giggling at the dated outfits to screaming in some of the most honest terror I’ve heard from an audience. 

11. Devil’s Backbone
The less said about this story the better, but just know it’s one of the best ghost stories told in the past couple decades. The director relies on mood and setting to slowly draw you in to the world of these orphans left to fend for themselves at an orphanage in war-torn Spain.

12. The Fly
David Cronenberg is a name everyone old enough to see his movies should look up. He was a master horror filmmaker in the 70’s and 80’s.  He’s since moved his interest towards other things, but watching this story of a scientist pushing the boundaries of what can and what should be done is mesmerizing.  When that experiment goes horribly wrong and he starts turning into a very large, very oozy fly, it gets very interesting. 

Runners Up: Blair Witch Project, Dead Alive, Evil Dead Trilogy, Freaks, Frighteners, Ginger Snaps, Gremlins, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, May, Ring/Ringu, The Shining, The Sixth Sense, Let The Right One In

Guilty Pleasures

I hate the term guilty pleasures. I just love the pure cheese that exists in these films. I’m not embarrassed that I love them. I even own toys of some of them displayed proudly in my house. I think you’d get a kick out of them, too.  People assume that horror has to constantly scare you, but sometimes it can just be a good time to blow off some steam 

1. Chopping Mall
There’s not much to say about this movie.  It’s barely 70 minutes long and it’s about a group of kids trapped in a mall with a new high tech security system.  Those security robots have, over time, been lovingly called Kill Bots. 

2. Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
It’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s a killer bed. It eats people. 

3. Event Horizon
I only know a few people who get the same enjoyment out of this film as I do.  It’s a MESSED up sci-fi horror movie, with some of the most twisted scenes on film.  It’s also about a ship becoming a gateway to hell.  Classic. 

4.  House On Haunted Hill
The original is a classic of low-budget 50’s horror films.  This remake tries hard and has plenty of creepy scenes, thanks mostly to the CGI, but when Chris Kataan is the hero of your film and he’s fighting a giant inky ghost blob you know you’re watching something special.

5. Killer Klowns From Outer Space
This movie actually scared me as a kid. I’ve never liked clowns since. But in the years since I’ve learned that this was meant to be more funny than terrifying. And it is. 

6. Return of the Living Dead
This is the punk rock follow up to the original Night of the Living Dead. Well, it would like you to think it was. But it IS hilarious, and actually has some pretty great zombie effects.

7. Santa’s Slay
There’s only a couple things you need to know about this film for you to decide if you want to see it or not. Santa IS Satan forced by God into serving good after losing a curling match. There are no reindeer in this film, but there is a fire breathing buffalo.  Plus it stars WCW superstar Goldberg.

I could go on for days and days about horror films.  But this is a good start. Check out magazines like Rue Morgue for great articles on horror history, too.

One of my favorite shows in the past 6 years has been LOST.  I was sucked in at the first eye that opened the pilot and every week waited to see which “Holy Shit!” moment was coming our way.  What made those moments more meaningful was that the show was not sold on those moments.  It was sold on nothing more than “people crash on an island.” But as the years have passed, people who continue to be fans realize there is no way to describe, succinctly, what has happened over the past years.  How do you go from point A (Plane Crash) to Point B (The characters are trapped in 1974!)  You can’t.  Unless you can convince them to shotgun the DVD collections over one weekend, the plot to LOST has become so very insular that only those that stuck with it, almost fanatically, still know what’s going on.  And even then, we’re not always so sure.

With 6 episodes left some things are finally being explained (the whispers!) but people are still worried that ALL THE ANSWERS WILL NEVER BE EXPLAINED! SUPER ULTRA FAIL! Never mind that some of those questions are created completely in the head of the watchers, and not the creators.  And I’m guilty of the same thing.  For years I kept asking, “WHAT ABOUT THE POLAR BEAR?” and even after they explained it, I wasn’t happy with their explanation and assumed there was an even deeper one.  But, alas, that was not meant to be.  It was around season 4 that I finally just decided to enjoy the ride.  I gave up reading the message boards, searching for all the frame by frame clues that exist.  Why? Because I don’t have the time, and it takes away from the enjoyment of the actual show.  Instead I simply watch the show for the story and the occasional “HOLY SHIT!” moment that pops up.

This past episode, “Everybody Loves Hugo” had several of those moments.  From an “explosion a la Arzt” to “explosion de Black Rock” to “OH SNAP DESMOND RAN OVER LOCKE” you can finally tell things are building to a head.  Where that is?  I still have no idea.  The two universes are finally merging.  We’re seeing a switch in power amongst the survivors/candidates.  And Locke continues to be creepy.  This was the story I wanted from the beginning.  The time spent at the temple seems almost unnecessary in retrospect.  Sure we finally got to see what the temple was, but can anyone say anything of major import was divulged there other than “Sayid has a sickness within him”? And no sooner did we start seeing who those characters were then every one of them was killed off.

I understand every season of a show has a lull.  Some that they never recover from (Heroes), and some that just feel rushed (Buffy Season 7) but I still hold out hope that there was a reason the writers felt we needed to spend so much time there.  Just as we spent so much time with the others in Season 3 so we could understand their world, I hope we understand what the temple represented something other than sanctuary. But, more than that, I just hope the story ends well. Will it? We have 6 hours left to find out.  It seems like there’s numerous loose ends to tie up, but I continue to have faith in Team Darlton.

Whatever may happen, though, I’ll still be rushing home every Tuesday to see the newest episode.  I’ll be inviting friends over for the finale, because while “Holy Shit” moments are great alone, they’re even better with a room full of friends and fans.

I.

“Tell me a story daddy!” The little girl said as her father tucked her into bed.

“I don’t know. It’s late and you should’ve already been in bed.” He said in mock defiance. It was their little nighttime game and they played it well.

“Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.” The girl whined.

Okay. He plays it well. She’s not so good at it.

“Fine. One story. And if mom comes in here, pretend you’re asleep, and I’ll pretend I’m silently crying over you mourning my lack of a future.”

“I know the routine!”

“Okay, are you tucked in? Good. So what kind of story do you want me to tell you?”

“One about unicorns.”

“Unicorns, huh? Do you know unicorns don’t exist any more?”

“Uh-huh.” The girl nodded her head.

“Did you know they did exist a long, long time ago?”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Truth. Way back when, before men built buildings and lived in cities creatures like unicorns and griffins and sphinxes roamed the land. It was like an awesome game of Battle Chess.”

“Battle what?”

“Battle Chess. It was this great game where the chess pieces came to life and fought each….” He looked at his daughter to only see a pair of blank eyes staring back at him. “Never mind. It was before your time. It was kinda like the chess game in Harry Potter.”

“Harry Potter is awesome!”

“Yes, I know. Harry Potter is awesome. Now shut up.”

“But once man started trying to live in civilized nations, that little bit of the magic left in the world started to go away. The sphinxes went first. The griffins followed suit. There was no room in the world for them anymore. Unicorns were still treasured by humans, because of their horns. Some people thought a unicorn horn would make them rich. Others thought it cured all illnesses. But the horns did nothing of the sort for humans, because while they could see the unicorns, they didn’t actually believe in the magic that lived within. But that didn’t keep man from hunting them. And they hunted them until there were none left.”

“THEY KILLED THE UNICORNS!? You’re story sucks.” Her daughter was visibly upset at the notion.

“Where’d you learn that language?”

“You and mom.”

“Fair enough. Don’t use it around other kids, or you’ll get in trouble, which will only get us in trouble. And I don’t feel like having one of those conversations again. So where were we?”

“You killed all the unicorns…”

“I was setting the scene. What I didn’t tell you was that there was one unicorn left. He was the last unicorn…”

II.

“Did you hear about the rumors of the forest?” Two men walked through the thick trees, staring in wonder at simple majesty around them. It would all be gone soon and replaced by modern civilization. They were hired to make sure every tree was eventually turned into timber for the houses.

“Which rumors? The second man replied. “It’s a shame about this one. It’s the oldest forest we’ve seen.”

“They say people keep dying in this one. Some type of beast roams the trees.”

“Ha! That’s a good one. A beast aye? Maybe it’s a ‘orrible badger! Or maybe a big-toothed squirrel.”

“Don’t be daft. You know the big-toothed squirrel died out ages ago. We helped kill ‘em.”

“So what are they saying it is then?”

“A unicorn, Marley. They say it’s a unicorn.”

“A unicorn, Sears? Someone’s been hitting the evenin’ mead a wee bit too hard if you ask me.”

Sears stopped in his tracks. “I ain’t lying to you Marley. They say it’s the last unicorn. And it’s mad that we hunted them all down. His horn is stained a rosy red from all the men he’s taken to the grave. And the weirdest part is they say he drinks their blood to remain strong….”

***

“Dad. Are you telling me a bedtime story about a murderous unicorn?”

“What did I tell you about interrupting?”

“I’m just saying if you’re going to tell me a story about a murderous unicorn, the least you can do is get to the bloody bits. I don’t need to hear about two men walking around a forest.

“Who’s telling this story?”

“I am if you keep making it boring.”

The father looked at the daughter. “If you think you can do better, be my guest.”

“Fine. I will!”

III.

The older man Sears came running out the woods screaming. “IT’S ALL TRUE! RU….aggghh…..ggggggg.” He couldn’t finish his sentence because a long pearly horn came flying through his mouth. Behind him the LAST Unicorn stood on his hind legs. He would smile if horses could. Strapped across his chest were more horns. They were his weapons of righteousness. They killed his people, and he was going to kill them all.

***

The little girl grabbed her throat to emphasize the horrible sounds made by the dying man. “Bllallagh agdghuuuhg!” She opened one her eyes to see her dad staring at her unphased.

“Unicorns can’t stand on two legs, sweetie.”

“Dad, it’s rude to interrupt. And anyways, they can in my story. Where was I? Oh yeah.”

***

The unicorn neighed maniacally, charging into the town in front of him. No one was safe! He would show everyone that unicorns weren’t the gentle creatures the storybooks told them about. His people were a fierce warrior tribe. They were taken by surprise when these humans first appeared; and now he was the last of them. He was prepared this time.

Women screamed! Babies cried! The men called for their weapons! But it was no good! Each person fell to his stained horn. He impaled them before casually shaking them off and aiming for the next. His unicorn bullets that flew from his horn shot those that tried running. That’s right. His horn was a gun. And it shot out tinier versions of his horn at hundreds of miles a second.

The massacre didn’t last long. Men and women alike lay dead around the ground. The unicorn looked around for any survivors, his muzzle red with blood. More importantly, he looked around for the babies of this town. The story he heard the man sharing before he died was wrong. He didn’t drink the blood of his enemies. He ate their babies!

***

“Woah. WOAH. He ate their babies?”

“That’s right. He had a machine gun in his head and he ate babies. He was a warrior unicorn created by the gods to smite the puny humans! They didn’t respect magic or nature!”

“So the gods created a unicorn with a gun in his head?”

“Yep. His tail is also made of barbed wire, and his hooves made of the hottest coals, burning the ground beneath his feet! AND…”

“And, I think it’s time for you to go to bed. No more snacks for you at bedtime. Your sugar buzz is starting to freak daddy out.”

“You love me!”

“Only because I’m now afraid of you, my little sociopath.” He kissed her forehead as he rose from his chair. “You’re either going to make a great serial killer, or a great writer when you grow up.”

“I’ll take it! Thanks for the story Dad. It was awesome.”

“It was…something else. No nightmares tonight, Stephanie. Love you.”

“I’ll be fine, Dad. The warrior unicorn will protect me! No nightmares for you either. Love you, too”

“You’re the only little nightmare I worry about. ”

“Good!”

They were fun at first, so you respond to your friend.  But soon you’re getting replies from people you don’t even know because they were hitting “reply all” just like the rules said!  Now your inbox is clogged with complete strangers answering 185 questions you barely had enough interest in to answer yourself.

It didn’t stop there though.  Friends from different circles started e-mailing you the quiz.  Or perhaps you got a quiz with different questions.  And soon you forgot which ones you’ve done, and which friends you’ve pissed off enough to end up on such a shitty e-mail group.

You would try being as snarky as possible as first, responding with flippant answers.  “Pepsi or Coke?  I only drink Mountain Dew Code Red!” or the ever-reliable, “Sex?  Yes please!”

But you see, the quizzes would never stop coming.  Eventually you either had to completely ignore them and hope people would stop sending them to you; or reply with a strongly worded “Please stop sending me these” e-mail which lead to you being labeled as “a dick.”

Well, that’s all back now in social media form.  I don’t know how many times I’ve been “tagged” to create my own list of 25 Random and little known facts, but I do know I haven’t responded to any of them.  At this point in life if my friends don’t know everything about me, it’s probably because the only things I haven’t shared are embarrassing stories from childhood.  I don’t need a list out there listing every last one of my faults or nightmares.  If you need to know where the bodies are buried, just ask me.  If you’re a close enough friend I’ll tell you.

In defiance of these stupid lists, I’ve decided to create my own (oh irony!).  What follows are 25 Little Known (And Completely Made Up) Facts about me, twobitme.

1. Footloose was loosely based on my life and the town I grew up in.
2. So was Starship Troopers.
3. While my Multiple Sclerosis may have weakened my back muscles, it has given me an uncanny ability to fly.
4. I can talk to and control spiders with my thoughts.
5. If I drink water, it leaks out through my pores. I summer as a water sprinkler for neighborhood children.
6. I took up cooking, because if I don’t provide her a daily meal Katie beats me with a sock full of coins.
7. I’m allergic to Scotch Tape and Scrabble tiles.
8. I hunt hobos for game…the most dangerous game.
9. If you feed me enough barley, I actually urinate Guinness.
10. My hair grows much like a doll. Pull my arm and it gets longer.
11. I had to quit my previous job due to being smarter than most of the people around me (This may actually be true.)
12. Sticks and stones cannot harm me. But words leave permanent physical damage.
13. I cannot see vowels in sentences or words. I have to guess what people are trying to type. The fact I’m typing this is a miracle of nature.
14. I was the reason Constantinople became Istanbul.
15. I was the secret 6th Beatle
16. No prison can hold me.
17. I learned at a young age that I was sent to Earth to help man, but that I was not one of you. I was different.
18. I can eat 10 French Silk Pies in 27 seconds.
19. But it takes me 3 1/2 days to eat 1 Banana cream pie.
20. The life I currently lead is actually my dream life. My real life is spent helping to bring oxygen to the people of Mars.
21. I would do anything for a Klondike Bar. I mean ANYTHING.
22. I cannot eat just one.
23. Unable to feel real human emotion, I wander the Chicago streets asking, “What is this human emotion called love?” I’ve earned 12.50 because people think I’m a bum.
24. I hate the number 24. This made my 24th birthday traumatic for both myself and all those that discovered I suffered from rage blackouts.
25. I believe there are two types of people in this world. The normal people and the treacherous albinos.

When Heroes first came onto the airwaves, I was excited to see a different take on the superhero genre.  Everyday people were discovering they had these special abilities?  Cool!  Sign me up!

As the series progresses though, it’s become less “Must See TV” and “Let’s Tune In To See How The Writers Betray Their Characters TV.”  Yes, I know “Must See TV” is catchier, but seriously, how can a group of writers not take the time to figure out their characters before they send in the final draft of the script.

There’ll be spoilers ahead for this recently finished chapter…so I’ll put the rest under a cut.

Over the course of 13 weeks, we’ve seen characters bounce back and forth as if they were being written by two different groups of writers sequestered in seperate rooms.  Now, I know that Tim Kring is on record as saying how he is bored by writing plot and basically just wants to write origin stories.

So, NBC, do us all a favor and take this show away from him.  Bryan Fuller is coming back to your show for “Chapter 4.”  His hand was the main reason the first season was so much fun and full of cliffhangers people actually cared about.  Give the show to him.  Let Tim Kring design characters to his little heart’s content, but he obviously could care less about the overarching story that exists in the world he’s created.

Now look, I understand that you wanted this show to be your LOST; a show steeped in myhtology and story.  It’s not going to happen.  Heroes will never be as well written as LOST.  Cuse and Lindlehof actually took the time to plot the entire series out, allowing for the story to come to a natural conclusion.  Their characters have all been written solidly from day one (aside from a couple missteps…*coughNikki&Paulocough*).  But they also learned from their mistakes, and didn’t repeat them.

So WHY THE HELL, if you’re trying so hard to have a show as good as LOST, do you continue to fuck so hard with your characters?  Why does Nathan switch sides as often as a pro-wrestler on Monday Night Raw?  And that’s not even taking into account the dropped storyline of being a messenger from God.

Why create an interesting plotline for Sylar after THREE years to just toss it right out the door to make him evil again at the drop of a hat?  His redemption storyline, and dealing with his “hunger” made for one of the few highlights in the past season.  And now….he’s a serial killer again.

Everyone wants you to kill Claire.  Everyone.  For someone with a superpower, she sure is one of the dullest, most grating characters on television aside from her Uncle Peter.

Also, kill Peter.

And Suresh.

Your show would improve 10-fold just with the disappearance of those characters.

Give us more Hiro and Ando.  They’re the only interesting part of your story.  Hell, keep them with Parkman and Daphne.  They all work well together.  They provide a lighthearted break to the self-importance that exists the other 22 minutes of your show.

The season finales are huge letdowns.  You constantly promise a huge battle to save the earth, yet we never get one.  Instead we get Sylar reenacting his favorite scenes from Saw, and more talking….lots and lots of talking.  By this point in your series, your characters are used to their powers.  Let them use them in the battle that all of us geeks have been hoping for since the finale of season 1!  Watching Nathan drive the tribal leader into the engine block of a car was more thrilling than anything that happened on Monday’s finale.

But, most importantly, make your writers sit the hell down and figure out where they want these characters to go.  And don’t worry if you’re copying ideas that already exist in comic books.  The chances are good you’re going to copy the X-Men with this type of story.  They’ve been around for 40 years.  The chances are good they’ve already tackled the idea that you want to do.  Having Nathan be the senator that wants to round up the people with abilities and put them in a facility?  Yeah, that was the original X-Men movie.  But we won’t hold it against you.  Just make it your own.

And for the love of crackers, let your show have some fun.  It’s like trying to watch a group of college student actors pretending to be thespians some days.

I WANT your show to be good.  I really, truly do.  There’s so little good genre television out there; and there’s so much potential in your show.

Just quit fucking it up.  Seriously.

I am done, done with it all. No more remakes, reboots or reissues.
And while I may, occasionally, still indulge in a remastering I am boycotting this whole “RE” business going on in Hollywood today.

Even sitting through a remastering is questionable since Lucas decided to ruin all of his movies for us for all time.

I just cannot take it anymore. It’s thoughtless film making at best. And, at it’s worst, it’s plain old shitty capitalism run amok at the cost of some of our most iconic films.

The Day The Earth Stood Still used to stand for something damnit! Now it’s just a vehicle for Keanu Reeves to revitalize his career…another RE I might be boycotting.

We don’t need any more Godzilla movies and we certainly don’t need another OTHER Superman movie. Now word comes from the internets that they are planning a remake of Nightmare On Elm Street?!?!

What the fuck is wrong with you Hollywood? You should go on strike. You should strike forever. Apparently we are not missing out on any great, relevatory pieces of art.

Look, I know that none of these films I’m talking about are exceptionally “good” films, or even basically “good” films. But, people, once they run out of half-assed clasics to desecrate there’s nothing left but the classics.

We have to draw a line somewhere folks. And right here, this is where I draw the line.

No more remakes for this girl.

No, I’m jumping on the already large bandwagon for the iPhone application Shazam.  For those that haven’t heard of it, it may be the greatest application for the iPhone EVER CREATED BY MAN.  Why?  Because it can listen to a small clip of music playing somewhere– whether it be a commercial, on the radio, or even from an overhead speaker — before sending it to its magical database and tells you what the song is based on that small clip.

And why, you may ask, is it totally awesome?  Because now when I’m at a live show I can actually figure out what songs I’m listening to.  Sure you could usually care less, but occasionally when the sound guy isn’t in love with only hearing reggae or obscure 70′s funk, you catch a song or two you may actually want to remember.

And Shazam now makes that possible.  Because aside from telling you what song it is, it also keeps track of all the songs you’ve “tagged” while offering a link to buy it from iTunes.

It’s also a great way to kill time between bands.  Play “Name That Tune” with your friends.  Granted, it’s not much fun if neither of you know it, but if you bring up the youtube video, it’s almost like watching a show within a show.

This past Saturday was the first time I really had a chance to use the program.  We went and saw Doug Benson at the Lakeshore Theatre here in Chicago, and for some reason they tossed in an intermission in what was basically a 90 minute show.

Don’t ask me.  We all thought it was completely unnecessary.  My fiance and I, not being big drinkers (or spenders at 5 bucks a Miller Light), spent the time looking up the songs that were playing over the loud speaker.

To pay it forward as it were, here’s the songs that most caught our collective fancy while we waited for Doug Benson to finish smoking his bowl.

Ratatat – Mumtaz Khan

Rodrigo Y Gabriela

]]> http://efftee.wordpress.com/2008/12/08/why-shazam-is-totally-awesome/feed/ 0 TwobitMe iphonew1 http://efftee.wordpress.com/2008/12/05/the-house-of-remakes-is-full/ http://efftee.wordpress.com/2008/12/05/the-house-of-remakes-is-full/#comments Fri, 05 Dec 2008 22:32:51 +0000 TwobitMe http://efftee.wordpress.com/?p=35 Continue reading →]]> You know, I’ve always been on the less-reactionary end of the remake craze. Sure, the misses far outweigh the hits, but since Hollywood has existed they’ve cannibalized their own history at any opportunity the chance for money exists.

Sure the misses outweigh the hits.  Especially if you take into account the 21st century remakes.  Companies are taking classic or cult films, stealing the name and leaving little of the original; I’m looking at you Black Christmas and Prom Night.  And I don’t have much hope for The Monster Squad or They Live remakes.  We could go on and on with the remakes that unnecessarily go for the PG-13 cashcow instead of trying to actually make a better film.

But we can’t discount that GOOD remakes exist.  John Carpenter and David Cronenberg has given us two of the greatest horror remakes around in The Fly and The Thing, both based on movies from yesteryear of the silver screen.  Hell, Alfred Hitchcock remade his OWN movie (The Man Who Knew Too Much) because he thought he could do better.  Movies like Cape Fear or Chicago took a known story and actually tried reinventing them, giving us iconic imagery.  Hell, Ben-freakin-Hur is a remake of a film from the twenties, which was a remake of a film from 1907.

So, remakes CAN be a good thing.  But if you read the title of this blog, you may be wondering why I seem to be slamming remakes while defending them for three paragraphs.

Here’s the thing.

We SO don’t need a remake of Full House John Stamos.  I mean seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  Full House?  The show is still on somewhere at any hour of the day.  A deal with the devil was made for that and it will never expire.  Children from now until our sun blinks out of existence will be able to turn on TVLand or its future counterpart and see Mary Kate and Ashley go from adorable baby to smack-talking toddler over the course of 365 days.

The show was perfect 80′s television.  I can’t see a place for that existing on today’s flat-screened horizons.  What would they do to make it “hip” for the kids of today?  Would Kimmy Gibbler be the giant slut who lives next door?  And seriously, would three daughters be allowed to live in the same house with a father and his two friends in this day and age?  Wouldn’t the DCFS be watching to make sure nothing questionable ever happens?

The age of innocence in TV sitcoms doesn’t exist anymore.  And trying to “hip up” television nowadays just results in adding sex, drugs, or both, which goes against everything Full House was about.

What’s next?  Perfect Strangers?  In today’s world, Cousin Balki would probably end up in a Homeland Security detention cell because of all the odd things he ended up doing.

What about Family Matters?  Would it become the diary of a stressed out Urkel finally snapping on the family he so desperately wanted to be a part of, ending in a bloody shooting spree because he was such an unwelcome misfit?

Actually, I’d probably watch that one.